Keeping Up With MarkerJay

I’m so thankful for all the birthday greetings I have been receiving throughout the day and trust me the attention is overwhelming. At the same time behind everyone’s comments I can feel a desperate longing in my heart. For the past couple of days all of my family and friends have been asking me what I want as a present or what I’m going to do to celebrate my birthday. Here’s my answer,

To be perfectly honest I just want to be with my best friends. I want to be able to hangout with them and not be scared that every time we’re together I will mess something up or feel anxious to cause some sort of drama. I just want it to be how it used to be when I could easily call you guys and just talk. It was those small moments in life like seeking your advice, confessing secrets, having deep vent sessions, and just being ourselves. Not only do I really want that, but at this point I need it. I have been depressed for months and who can blame me. I haven’t started school since I graduated, I don’t have a job, I stopped going to church for the wrong reasons, I stopped dancing for reasons I can not say, and now I strongly feel in my heart that I’m losing every single one of you one by one. How can it be that at one point in our lives everything made sense and because of the mistakes I’ve created not a lesson was learned? I’ve tried so many times to change, but it’s like every time I’m so close to being happy something just knows and does everything to change that. And that something I’m referring to is myself…

As for what I’m going to do. I’m going to better myself for the sake of our friendships. I’m sorry I have been so bitter towards all of you guys lately and I will tell you now that I have been purposely avoiding you. It’s because I’m jealous of every single one of you. Ever since we have gotten closer I have come to realize how God has brought you up and how great he is working in your lives. Sometimes it makes me think if I will ever have such a prize possession of my own. Each of you are so genuine at heart and the best friends I could have never have asked for or ever exchange in return of something greater. I was always afraid of living in your shadows. It’s funny how things work out because now I feel like I’m not living at all anymore. The best people shouldn’t be looked down upon, but be given an enormous amount of credit for putting up with such a melodramatic lifestyle. I want you guys to know that I have decided to succeed in what I have failed to do in the past, change what felt like an ongoing and unchangeable habit, and make possible what I thought was impossible. I love you guys so much and I appreciate the favors you have all done for me in the past and even now. Just the thought of us parting ways kills my last hopes of finding who you guys are and who I am again.

With that being said I leave all of you with these final words of wisdom:

“The friends you meet in your life will definitely go. It will hurt and kill you deeply inside until it feels like you’re completely lifeless. But there are people who are special and chosen for a purpose and those people are willing to stay above and beyond everything. They stay for you. They stand by you. They go what you go through. And lastly they’re not afraid to kill you with kindness and care. These are the people you don’t have to impress, change your whole life for a spec of attention, and hide behind your own enemy lines. These are called your best friends. We’re each not perfect, but that’s what makes us close. Every time we grow apart that bond we have pulls us together. For many years we contemplate and search for words to say. But after such a long time of going in circles all we really want to say is thank you. Thank you for loving me…”

I forgot how it felt like to sacrifice my own needs for all of yours. I forgot how to become selfless instead of selfish. I forgot how humility is a much greater virtue than the ego I have replaced it with. I forgot how even the simplest things, like how to make you guys smile, were the most important duty for me as a friend. I have forgotten who I am. These are my forgotten birthday wishes and now all I wish for is if you guys will forgive me…

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